Schrodinger’s Cattery provides a warm, comfortable and mostly (if you’re a glass-half-full sort of person) safe home-away-from-home for the beloved pets of mad scientists. Our fully-automated service is a paragon of efficiency and thoughtfulness. For maximum protection from hazardous cosmic rays (yes, and government mind-reading satellites!), all of our cats are housed in state-of-the-art radiation-shielded boxes. Vials of poisonous gas, Geiger counters and small quantities of radioactive material are included gratis, in order that our feline guests should feel properly at home in an environment closely resembling the secret laboratories to which they are accustomed. Unfortunately there is some slight risk of accidental poisoning, but studies have shown that cats in our care have a higher life-expectancy than cats at large in the underground lairs of mad scientists, and in any case, what’s life without a little danger? I knew you would understand, Herr Professor…
Each day at feeding time our courteous and expertly-programmed robotic staff will visit each of the cats in turn, emptying their kitty litter and performing a full health inspection before treating them to a delicious plate of nameless offal. Cats that are found to have unfortunately died will be removed and placed in the incinerator at the back of the building. With the aid of our sophisticated computer system, an identical replacement pet will be selected from the attached breeding facility, and carried expeditiously by robotic arm to the cat box recently vacated by the deceased. You are thus assured that when you come to collect your cherished animal companion, you will be greeted by a cat indistinguishable in every way from the one you left with us (ask about our hundred-dollar challenge!)
Unfortunately we are unable to tell you whether or not your cat actually died at any point, as no records are kept within the facility since our last human secretary resigned due to deep emotional distress. Frankly, we’re still trying to sort out the files, many of which are irreparably smudged, torn and in some cases shredded and used as kitty-litter. However, all cats are weighed on admission, and if you feel there is a possibility that your original pet may have perished whilst in our care, you are welcome to collect a suitable quantity of ash from the incinerator to take home with you. A variety of urns are available at reasonable prices.
On a happier note, the metaphysically-minded among our customers will enjoy reflecting on the fact that, while it is possible to observe that some cats have passed away on our premises (as evidenced by the incinerator ash), there is really no way of measuring at the point of owner collection whether any particular cat left in our care was among the fallen. We’re sure this has some profound consequences when it comes to such exotic physical phenomena as waveform collapse and quantum entanglement, but we’ll leave it to you incorrigible boffins to figure out just what they are.