…if you were Director General of the BBC?

My list so far:

• Bring back the Wednesday Play, Arena and Tomorrow’s World
• Get Horizon back to doing proper science programs about black holes and buckeyballs

• Put Lawrence Miles in charge of Doctor Who.
• Move BBC4’s content back onto BBC2, where it belongs
• An experimental project to clone Delia Derbyshire from DNA samples found on fragments of tape loop in the basement of Broadcasting House.
• Commission lots of shit-scary children’s dramas, ideally scripted by Alan Garner.
• Cast about for someone who could write a contemporary Steptoe and Son that wasn’t rubbish.
• Expand the remit of Crimewatch to include police corruption and brutality.
• Enforce strict quotas of non-Oxbridge BBC employees. Er, on everybody except myself.
• Didactic/educational “History of Civilisation”-type serieses on modernist architecture, the history of glam and pre-WWII porn, to be presented by…oh I dunno, I expect I could find someone…
• Question Time to be chaired every week by Lenin.
• And University Challenge by Martin from Beyond The Implode. (That’s enough sinecures - ed.)